Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, October 21, 2017 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Bill Pennington, a sports writer for the New York Times, was lamenting the “huddle” is slowly disappearing in football due to the faster pace of the game and, during his search for more information, he called former Washington Redskins quarterback Joe Theismann. Bill wrote that Joe couldn’t stop laughing about the funny things that would happen between plays.

Joe told this story: “We were in the huddle against Dallas and Mark May, one of our linemen, is turning and yelling at the Cowboys’ Pro Bowl tackle Randy White,” Theismann said. “And one of our other linemen, Russ Grimm, wheels around and starts yelling at Mark: ‘Shut up, you’re making him mad.’

“I was confused at first and then I realized that Mark wasn’t blocking Randy, it was Russ who was blocking Randy. And Russ didn’t want Randy any more riled up. He was saying, ‘Unless you want to block him, Mark.’

“That’s the kind of thing that got done in the huddle.”

That said, here are some other Saturday Funnies that were in my anonymous emails this week:

* * *

DEFINITIONS THAT OUGHT TO BE IN A DICTIONARY  

ADULT -- A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 

BEAUTY PARLOR -- A place where woman can curl up and dye. 

CANNIBAL -- Someone who is fed up with people. 

CHICKENS -- The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE -- A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 

DUST -- Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST -- Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF -- Cold Storage. 

INFLATION -- Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

MOSQUITO -- An insect that makes you like flies better. 

RAISIN -- Grape with sunburn.

SECRET -- Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON -- A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE -- The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW --One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

YAWN -- An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES -- Something other people have, similar to my character lines. 

* * *

FROM THE GREATEST PHILOSOPHERS IN THE WORLD

“The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.” – Jean Kerr

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip.

“Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.” – Harrison Ford.

“The best cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.” – Spike Milligan.

“Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.” --- Jean Rostand.

“Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I was just as happy when I had 48 million as I am now.” -- Arnold Schwarzenegger

 “We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.” – W.H. Auden.

“In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.” - Jonathan Katz

“If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.” – Johnny Carson.

“Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.” – Steve Martin.

“Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.” -- Jimmy Durante.

“The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.” – George Roberts.

“If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.” – Jonathan Winters.

“I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Robert Benchley.

“As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.” – John Glenn.

“America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.” – David Letterman.

“I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire.” – Howard Hughes.

“After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.” – Old Italian proverb.

* * *

HOLD IT! JUST ONE MORE THING …

(Note – The author of the following was not included with this clever editorial)

Just one more thing -- ObamaCare Repeal. Since only 8 million people have ObamaCare, how will 24 million people die if it is repealed? Will 16 million people be randomly shot?

Just one more thing -- on Donald Trump. If Donald Trump deleted all of his emails, wiped his server with Bleachbit and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent?

Just one more thing -- on equal pay. If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?

Just one more thing -- on Sanctuary Cities. If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdrawal?

Just one more thing -- on ISIS. Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama's term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.

Just one more thing -- on the London 'Lone Wolf' terror attack. After the London 'Lone Wolf' terrorist attack government officials have arrested at least eight other 'Lone Wolves' who had conspired with the original 'Lone Wolf' in planning the 'Lone Wolf' attack.  Even though all involved are Muslims, you can be assured, the 'Lone Wolf; attack has nothing at all to do with Islam, just like the other 1,000 plus 'Lone Wolf' attacks by Muslims, are completely unassociated with Islam.

Just one more thing -- on Entitlements. We should stop calling them all 'Entitlements'. Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, ad nauseum are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn't be called entitlements at all. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.

Just one more thing -- on the Muslim Refugees. If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they're Islamophobic?

Just one more thing -- on The Women's March. If Liberals don't believe in biological gender then why did they march for women's rights?

Just one more thing -- on the Russians hacking the election. How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders? How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?

Just one more thing -- on Democrats and the Electoral College. Why is it that Democrats think Super delegates are fine, but they have a problem with the Electoral College?

Just one more thing -- on the FBI and elections. If you don't want the FBI involved in elections, don't nominate someone who's being investigated by the FBI.

Just one more thing -- on Hillary's speeches. If Hillary's speeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to hear her free ones?

Just one more thing -- on Russia manipulating our election. The DNC is mad at Russia because they 'think' they are trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC is manipulating our election?

Just one more thing -- on Trump's 'Locker Room Banter'. Why is it that Liberals and the Media are upset about the words Trump used 11 years ago but they are alright with adult men using the Ladies Room with our wives and daughters?

royexum@aol.com



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