Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, October 14, 2017 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Welcome to another edition of the Saturday Funnies and you know the truth – I  did not write any of what you are about to read but instead harvested them from the funny emails that come to me each day. My favorite this week was “The Legendary Goat Caper.”It seems that in Montana seniors at various high schools across the stat participate in the Senior Prank and last year’s winner was the goat trick. This is where a pick-up load of boys got find three large billy goats and, after stealthily devising a way to get the goats into the school building at 5 a.m., they get some water-based paint – where it will not harm the goat – and paint a big “1”on both sides and the forehead of the billly.

They then took the second goat and adorned it with the number “2” in the exact same way. But on the last goat went a number “4.” They let loose the goats at 5 a.m. and, as all the children got to school at roughly the same time, the chaos was just perfect.

But what was even better is that the principal and the football coach spent the next two days in a futile attempt to locate the number “3” goat.

Ah, youth!

Let’s go to this week’s funnies …

* * *

THE POSTPONED TEST

One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."

“I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.

By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.

“I don't know any of these people," he said. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."

* * *

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A BIG DOG WHEN …

* -- The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"

* -- You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.

* -- It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.

* -- You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.

* -- You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a Port-a-potty.

* -- You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.

* --You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog.

* -- You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.

* -- You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.

* -- You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog.

* -- You've learned to force a smile when asked, "Do you have a saddle for that thing?"

* -- Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.

* -- You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.

* * *

WHEN WEARING GLASSES GOT TO BE COOL

I believe my daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.

I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out, though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart.

She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"

* * *

TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH

* -- Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

* -- I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

* -- Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

* -- I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

* -- I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

* -- Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

* -- I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

* -- Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

* -- Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

* -- Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

* * *

HOW A CLEVER KID WON THE SCIENCE FAIR

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair last spring. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

* -- it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting

* -- it is a major component in acid rain

* -- it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

* -- inhalation can kill you

* -- it contributes to erosion

* -- decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

* -- it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was  … water!

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

* * *

THE FUNNIEST ONE-LINERS EVER (?)

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE!

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.

What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.

What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boo-bees!

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungai!”

I never make mistakes…I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!

What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!

Where does a sheep go for a haircut? To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!

What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

What’s the last thing that goes thru a bug’s mind as he hits the windshield? His butt.

Knock knock- who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub I’m dwounding!

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What goes “ha ha thump”? A man laughing his head off.

What did the grape say when he was pinched? Nothing, he gave a little wine.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick!

Why are pirates so mean? I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

Who’s there?” … “Control freak. Okay now you say, ‘Control freak who?”

What do you call cheese that’s not yours? It’s nacho cheese.

What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor? A knight light.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?! They’re making headlines!

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum Tish!

There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun… A roamin’ Catholic.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!

Why did the orange stop? Because, it ran outta juice.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting Cow. Interrupting Cow wh- MOOOOOOO!

Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone? He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for.

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.

Why did the stop light turn red??? You would too if you had to change in the middle if the street!

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.

What do you do with a dead chemist …. You Barium.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull? – Lipstick!

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables…the bartender says, buddy, I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything.

Two cows are sitting in a field, and one says to the other, “so, how about that mad cow disease? Scary stuff, right?” To which to other replies, “terrifying. But what do I care? I’m a helicopter.”

How does Jesus make tea???? Hebrews it.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino!

What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor? “Where’s my Tractor?!”

Have you heard about the duck that was arrested for dealing? He was selling “quack”.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

How do you catch a unique rabbit? You ‘neek’ up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit? The ‘tame’ way.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!

*While waving your hands on either side of the other person’s head* “running through the woods, running through the woods, running through the woods. Close our eyes!” *smack person on forehead* “TREE! Never close your eyes when you’re running through the woods!”

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says “gosh, it’s hot in here”. The other muffin screams “AAAH!! A talking muffin!”

A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar. Bartender says, “Hey Mitt! What’ll ya have?”

What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!

* * *

MUSCHAMP AND JONES PLAY ‘KNOCK-KNOCK’

Earlier this week South Carolina football coach Will Muschamp called Tennessee coach Butch Jones about today’s game in Neyland Stadium and Will said, “Knock, knock …”

Butch, going along with it, countered “Knock-know who” and Will said “Owen.”

“Owen?”

“Yep, this time Sunday you gonna’ be ‘owen’ five coaching against me!”

royexum@aol.com



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